


I don't believe you

by ibumblebee



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blind Character, Blinding Accident, Blindness, Canon Universe, Explosions, First Kiss, Idiots in Love, M/M, Poor Poe, poor Finn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:35:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22801078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ibumblebee/pseuds/ibumblebee
Summary: "They started moving simultaneously. Both started walking slow and then sped up. They both ran.Boom!The world stopped. Everything went dark. Finn felt his body leave the ground. He was pretty sure he heard Poe scream his name. And he was gone."or Finn is in an accident and looses his vision. Poe acts weird about it.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 3
Kudos: 46





	I don't believe you

**Author's Note:**

> I'll never not be angry at Disney for not having the balls to make this ship canon. Oscar Isaac agrees. Hope this will make up for it a little bit at least.

The air had been buzzing with adrenaline. It had smelled of sweat and nervosity. Finn remembered that part very cleary.  
He had been running, looking for the familiar set of dark curls. People around him were also running, bumping into him. It was that kind of chaos it always prevailed a fight. It was the kind of chaos where everyone was to focused on what they needed to do to notice any others. Everyone had a mission, a purpose. And Finn’s was to stay on the ground to organize and watch over the attack. He didn’t like it, not at all, but it was Leia's orders and by now he knew better that to disobey them. But first, he needed to find Poe. If this mission was even half as dangerous as they believed it would be it was a big risk he might never come back. And Finn had to see him again if that was the case. He was certain that Poe knew how he felt and he was pretty sure he had read Poes signals correct as well. The bond and love between them had always been to great to even try to hide. Still neither of them had done anything. It was unspoken, but Finn knew that they would spend their life together. It’s just what they were; Finn and Poe. FinnandPoe. But Finn couldn’t let Poe leave without having done something. If this were his last ever moment with him he sure as hell was going to make it hurtfully clear how he felt. But to do that he had to find him.  
Finn found him, not surprisingly, by Black One. Poe was already on the ladder, halfway up to get into the ship.

“Poe!” he shouted. Poe didn’t seem to hear because he continued climbing. Finn tried again and this time Peo must have heard him because he had turned and searched the crowd. His eyes skimming over the hundreds of face under him. When their eyes met Finn relaxed. Poe grinned and hoped down. They both jogged towards each other and met in the middle in a hug. It had been a hard and desperate hug. They both knew what could happen.

“You are not allowed to fucking die. Do you hear me Dameron? You are not allowed to die”, Finn had said into the others neck. Poe pushed Finn away, just far enough to be able to look into the others eyes. Poes were dark and so beautiful. He didn’t say anything, just looked at him with so much adoration Finn almost had to look away. Then Poe leaned forward and his eyes fluttered shut. Their lips met. They had never kissed before, but it felt like they had already done this forever. They just fit.  
Way to soon Poe pulled away. His eyes were crinkled with a grin.

“Never”, he said and squeezed Finns shoulders. “I plan on trying that again.”

“You better.” Finn kissed him again before he let go. They nodded toward each other, everything between them already said with everything other than words, before Poe climbed the ladder and jumped into the X-wing. Finn washed as he closed the glasroof before he turned around and ran towards the control station.

Their mission succeeded. Against all odds they had done it. A lot of people were hurt and a lot more had died. The survivors was starting to land and getting out of their ships. A rambunctious atmosphere seemed to hug them all. The happiness and excitement from the victory was mixed with the sadness and hurt left after those who did not return. But Poe was alive. Finn had seen him on the monitor. He had heard him talking to the other pilots. He had made it.  
Finn was out on the landing field and once again looking for the dark haired man. He saw him standing beside the ship. Poe had already spotted him and stood there, grinning like a fool, a grin that always melted Finn's heart. For a moment they just stood there, watching each other, taking the other in. The love Finn felt for the other man was something out of this world. This was it. He knew it, had known in since they first met.  
They started moving simultaneously. Both started walking slow and then sped up. They both ran.

Boom!

The world stopped. Everything went dark. Finn felt his body leave the ground. He was pretty sure he heard Poe scream his name. And he was gone.

Finn’s body feels weird. Something is wrong, off. It hurts, but it is a dull kind of pain. As if he isn’t really feeling it. He doesn’t know what happened after the explosion. He doesn’t know where he is. Poe. Panic flutters in his chest. He was close to the explosion too.  
Finn opens his eyes. More darkness meets him. He tries to blink to force his eyes to get used to the black nothing, but it doesn’t help. He swallows. The panic is rising. He uses this elbows to lift his upper body up.

“Finn?” He can hear Poes voice as clear as if he was sitting right next to him. He sounds worried and it scares Finn. He looks around in another attempt to see him but still nothing. 

“Poe? Where are you? Poe!” A hand is placed on his arm and squeezing him. It guides him back down on the bed.

“I’m right here Finn.” Finn blinks.

“Poe! Are you hurt? I can’t see you, are you alright?” Poe is quiet for a moment. Finn swears. “Why is it so fucking dark here anyway? Poe, are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m okay. I wasn’t hurt.”

“You sure? You don’t sound sure.”

“I promise, I’m okay.”

“Good.” Finn's head is hurting and he closes his eyes again. Not that it makes any difference anyway.

“You think you could turn on the light?”

“Finn…” Poes voice sound hesitant. There is something he is not telling him. Something bad. Finn feels his heart speed up.

“Spit it out.”

“The light is on, you’re just not able to see it. The explosion. The doctors say it left you blind.”  
Silence. Finn’s heart is beating faster. No. He waits for Poe to start laughing or say he is joking. He expects something. But silence is all he gets.

“I’m sorry”, Poe whispers. Finn opens his eyes again, desperately looking around to catch a glimpse of him, of something. Nothing.

“I… I don’t…” He croxes. Poes hand gently strokes his arm.

“It’s okay.” His voice is calm and soothing, like he is talking to a baby. It sounds almost like pitty. Finn doesn’t want it. He wants to be alone.

“Go”, Finn says.

“Finn…”

“No, go, please.”  
He half expected Poe to argue further. He kind of hopes he will because Finn doesn’t really know if he wants him to go or not, but Poe sighs and then Finn can hear him get up. Without a word he can hear him walk across the room. The door opens and closes and Finn is alone. His eyes start to burn with tears.

It takes three weeks before they release him from the medicbay. It’s Rey who helps him. She gives him a cane and leads him with one hand on his arm back to his dorm. Poe wasn’t there for his release. He has been in the bay everyday and has sat by Finns side for an hour before he has excused himself and left. Finn has come to dread this hour because Poe doesn't speak. Or; he speaks but not like he used to. Not like before. And not once since the explosion has he made a move to kiss him again, despite his promise to do so. Their conversations have mostly been about Finns health and new updates in the war against the First Order. Nothing about him or them. Finn hates it. It’s like Poe is avoiding him. Or, worse, is regretting the kiss but now feels obliged to sit with him just because of the incident. If that is the case Finn really doesn't want the pity. He wouldn’t care as much about his lost vision if he still had Poe beside him. But he doesn’t anymore. And that hurts more than the lost vision.

“Here”, Rey says and stops him. She raises his hand until his fingers find the cold metall of a doorknob. Rey has been nothing but helpful. Honestly Finn doesn’t know what he would do without her. She has at least been acting somewhat normal, joking with him and telling him about her progress with the force. She doesn’t treat him like he is weak or breakable. She doesn’t ask if he needs help every other second. She knows when he needs it and for that he is forever grateful.  
Finn opens the door. A well-known sent hits him. His room. His home. For the first time since the incident he feels safe. He knows this rooms, here he doesn’t need any help. He knows this place in and out.

“Thanks”, he says in the general direction of Rey before he steps into the room. His fumbling hands finds the back of a chair and he sits down. He can hear Rey do the same beside him. Then she starts laughing.

“What?”

“Oh Finn”, she says. “Honestly, this is just your luck. We fly up in space and fight a battle we are not supposed to come back from and you are at the base and you’re still the one who goes blind.”  
Finn can’t help but smile.

“Yeah”, he says. “I’m an idiot, I know.”  
Rey snorts and laughs more and Finn joins her. Nothing about this is funny but it feels good to laugh. It feels good to be out of the medicbay and be able to walk around again.  
Then he can hear the door to the apartments open. He knows who it is even before Poe has the time to say anything. Rey stops laughing. So does Finn. There is suddenly a big rock in his stomach and he hates himself for feeling this way around Poe. And he hates Poe for acting like this.

“Sorry”, Poe says. Finn doesn’t hear him close the door so he assumes he is standing in the doorway. Like he is ready to escape. To run away from him.

“I heard you got released today, that’s good.” Finn can almost hear him swallow. Oh how he hates him in this moment. For abandoning him in his time of need. But Poe has the right to chose, and if he doesn’t chose Finn that is up to him.

“Yeah”, Finn says without any enthusiasm.

“You… You need help with anything?” Finn curses inside. Oh how he hates this.

“No, I’m good.”  
Silence.

“Good”, Poe says finally. “Just… Tell me if you need anything.”

“Yeah”, Finn says again.

“Actually”, says Rey, “I need to head out. Maybe you could stay and watch him.”  
The words she uses is a joke but the underlying meaning is not. They both think he is some toddler not capable of taking care of himself. It hurts. He doesn’t want either of them to feel like being with him is an obligation.

“Of cour…” Poe starts but Finn cuts him off.

“No.”  
Silence again.

“I can take care of myself.”

“If you’re sure…” Poe says unsurly.

“I’ve managed this far in life haven't I?”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Poes voice is soft. It’s the voice he uses when he tries to hide his emotions. “I have to go.”  
Before either him or Rey has the time to say anything else the door closes. Finn is pretty sure Rey is watching him.

“Didn’t you say you also had somewhere to be?” he asks her, a little to harsh.

“Right”, she says. She leaves and Finn is left alone in this room wondering how to live with the Poe-shaped hole inside of him.

It doesn’t get better the following three weeks. In the beginning Poe visited everyday, having the same conversation as they did in the bay over and over again, but then his visits grew further and farther apart. Finn can’t decide what is worse.  
It’s exactly 36 days after Finn lost his vision and he is sick and tired of it. He just wants to go back. Or get a new start. He is tired of the pity in people's voices or how they tell him how strong he is or when they says it’s going to be fine. He hates it. He seems to hate pretty much everything these days. He wants to do something.  
That’s why he is now walking around the landingfield, cane in one hand and a smile on his face. He has missed this. The sounds of X-wings landing around him and people rushing past. The air is full of adrenaline but also a sense of victory. Things finally seems to be turning their way. The fresh air is blowing against his face as, what he assumes is an X-wing, land close to him. It feels wonderful.

“Finn!” And just like that Finn feels the smile drop from his face. He can hear the sound of footsteps jogging towards him and stopping in front of him.

“What are you doing here alone buddy? Where is Rey?” The anger is boiling inside of him.

“I can take care of myself.” Poe doesn’t agree.

“You shouldn’t be here alone, you could get hurt.”

“I’m blind Poe, not stupid”, Finn sputters.

“I know, but something might happen.”  
Finn doesn't answer.

“Let me walk you back.”

“I don’t need your help.”

“I insist.”  
Finn knows Poe well enough to know that he can’t change his mind, not when he uses that tone. Finn turns around and starts walking back without a word. He can hear Poe following. He is not speaking either.  
They don’t do the whole way back.

“Here”, Poe finally says and Finn stops to grip the doorknob to his room. He opens and walks in but isn’t able to tell if Poe does as well.

“So…” Poe says and Finn knows what’s coming next. “Do you need anything?”  
And that makes Finn snap.

“Why do you keep doing that?” he practically screams.

“What?” Poe walks in and closes the door. “I’m just trying to help you!”

“Yeah? Do you think it’s working?”

“Finn…”

“I’m not a baby. I don’t need you to watch me or take care of me, so if it’s why you’re still around you can go. Honestly, I can mind myself.”

“I’m just trying to help, I know you’re not a baby.”

“Doesn’t seem like it!”

“What does that even mean?”  
Finn huffs.

“Stop acting like you don’t know.”

“I’m not acting, Finn.” And somewhere in those words Finn hears such vulnerability that he stops yelling. Poe sounds almost sad.

“You’ve barely talked to me since the explosion and when you do it’s alway just to ask if I need help. If I needed it I would ask for it.”

“Then why haven’t you?”

“What?”

“Why haven’t you asked me? You don’t seem to have any trouble asking Rey.” Is there bitterness Finn hears in his voice?

“I don’t ask her, she just knows when to help. And she doesn’t ask me every damned second if I need it!” Poe doesn’t say anything to that and Finn sighs. He closes his eyes as to brace himself for what he is about to say. What comes next might be the thing that makes him lose Poe altogether. But he needs to know.

“Why are you even around anymore?” he asks even though he knows his answer will probably hurt. “You have no obligation to me. You don’t owe me anything.”

“You think I stick around because I feel like I owe you something?” Poe’s voice is weak and hurt.

“Yeah”, Finn says, hating himself for making Poe feel the way he sounds. Not for the first time he wishes he could see the other man and read his expression. He miss his smirk and smile and eyes and mouth.  
“I mean, you don’t seem to enjoy being around me that much anymore.”

“You can’t mean that.” Poe almost sounds scared. Finn just shrugs.

“Finn”, Poe says with a sudden force and desperation in the words. “Finn, I love you.”  
Finn freezes. If Poe had said it five weeks ago, before the explosion, Finn would not have been surprised. He knew that he loved him, had loved him. Now he found that hard to believe.

“I don’t believe you.”

“You don't believe me?” Poe’s voice is barely more than a breath.

“No. All you’ve done is push me away!”

“I gave you space, you told me you wanted that.”

“I didn’t.”

“You told me to go!” Poe’s voice cracks. Somehow that makes Finn even angrier.

“Once! I told you one time and I didn’t even mean it!”

“How was I supposed to know that? You had just lost your vision and you told me to go. Hell; I had just kissed you and you told me to go!”

“That had nothing to do with that!” Finn is back to yelling. This is to much.

“How was I supposed to know?” Poe says again. He sounds frustrated. Finn pictures how he scubbs his face with his hands. “You didn’t say anything either. You barely spoke to me, never let me help you. Whenever I asked you seemed to close. You… You stopped smiling around me.”  
Then he makes a sound Finn wasn’t prepared for. He sniffles. It’s quiet. Poe isn’t crying, he is not the crying kind, but he is sad.

“You’re hurting, Finn… And I can’t do anything to make it better. You told me you wanted me gone and I did just that. I didn’t want to but I thought that was what you needed, what you wanted. Please…”  
Finn’s heart breaks a little. This was not right. This anger suddenly seemed dumb and far away. He was being mean. This was his fault.  
Finn takes a fumbling step forward, towards Poe. His outstretched right hand hits Poes shoulder. He wraps his arms around him and pulls him close, close.

“It’s okay”, he whispers into Poe’s neck. “I’m sorry, it’s okay.”  
Poe laughs against him. It’s rather a dry laugh than a happy one.

“Nothing is okay.”  
Finn doesn’t argue with that. It’s not.

“No”, he says. “But it’s not that bad.”  
Poe huffs.

“Not that bad, huh? You just told me you didn’t believe me when I told you I love you.” A lump forms in Finn’s throat. He wants to believe him, he almost does.  
When he doesn’t answer Poe tightens his arms around him.

“I love you, Finn. I do. I promise, I love you so much.” He speaks into Finn’s neck. His breath tickles. Finn’s heart beats faster. The words are overwhelming and he feels weirdly uncomfortable.

“I love you”, he says back. At least he is sure about that part. That is true, always have been, always will be. Poe curses under his breath.

“One day”, he says, hands stroking his back. “One day I promise I’ll make you believe it.”  
They are still embracing and Finn realizes just how much he has missed Poe. His smell, the feel of his hands. How perfect he is.

“Finn?” Poe pulls back a bit. “Can I please kiss you?”  
Finn’s stomach flutters.

“Yes”, he whispers. And Poe does. And it’s perfect.

They fall asleep on Finn’s bed together. Clothes on. Neither of them was keen on doing something else than just lay together. They had dozed off with their arms around each other and when Finn wakes it’s in the exact same position. He feels warm and happy and light and safe.  
Poe must already have been awake and watching him.

“Good morning”, hesays and gently presses his lips to Finn’s forehead. “I love you.”

“Poe, you don’t…”

“But I want to. Day one of convincing you that I love you. I wish I didn’t have to but, honestly, I can think of worse ways to spend my time.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed it and feel like I made them justice.


End file.
